Before you all read this and think I am in need of a psych referral, I can assure you that I am of sound mind and very much “with it”.
I’ve believed for a long time that there are people who have left this earth (or your life) who look after you and send you signs that they are doing so. I think it’s called faith. It doesn’t have to be in God, Allah or any other specific thing, it can be an old welly boot if you like, but it’s about having the faith that someone or something is looking out for you.
During this pregnancy, I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights for a variety of reasons. Partly worry with Chris, partly worry with Brussel, partly Ellie still only being 18 months old with the odd unsettled night and during these periods of insomnia, I made a friend.
To say I made a friend sounds ridiculous, even as I write it. But I named this new acquaintance Billy. And Billy is a spider. He’s not a big spider, just a small one and he lived on the ceiling of our bedroom. Whilst I was awake, with things racing around my mind, I used to watch Billy track around the ceiling and often talk to him, in my head, about the things I needed to get off my chest. He was non but at the same time, something to listen.
When we moved our bedroom at home a couple of weeks ago, Billy took a couple of days to arrive, but he did. And he was there. He treked around the ceiling, sleeping in the same corner.
As you all probably know by now, I’m stuck in hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. Until Brussel arrives, I am confined by a B-Number and being attached to a monitor 4 times a day. With this final hospital stay, has come yet more, and quite substantial amount of worry, which I won’t go into now. And do you know what….
….Billy is here. Above my bed on Ward 16 at Queens Hospital Burton. And it looks exactly the same as the Billy who treks round at home.
I know it probably sounds odd to a lot of you, and you are probably sat there laughing out loud at me. But do you know what, I find that little spider exceptionally comforting. Because for me, he isn’t just a spider. He’s someone or something that is just letting me know that someone in that great somewhere out there gives a shit and is supporting us with what we are going through. So thanks whoever or wherever you are – it really does mean quite a lot!